The Hard Way

You never forget your first. The same rings true for your first heartbreak. I was taken back to mine after stumbling upon Dying in the Sun, one woman's painful account of a relationship gone wrong. Empathy was all I could offer from my corner of the world. Because I have been there and done that. I lost my mind and made many mistakes, did things I said I would never do. I know now why you aren't supposed to date your co-workers.

I was working one of those dead end, hate-to-go-can't-wait-to-leave jobs. I didn't like the people and they didn't like me. Misery and I were best buds. Then a man nineteen years my senior from the department next door took an interest in me. He made me feel special, important, wanted. I looked forward to work for a change. Through our conversations, we learned we had a lot in common. I was stoked just to have someone to talk to. Then the atmosphere started to feel different. He was on my mind a lot. We started talking on the phone and hanging out. Now I had always guarded my heart. I let no one in. But I made the decision to take down the wall. Life was too short, a fact proven when my grandmother died. All my relatives had someone to console them. Not I. Not at first. Even though this man was out of town that week, he called me every night. What a guy.

Trouble was he had a girlfriend. He claimed they weren't exclusive. She was free to date whomever she wanted, he convinced me. Oh yeah. She lived about two states away. By then, I was invested in the "relationship" or whatever it was. Long story short: I fell for his tales (I knew better but played along anyway) and went further than I ever planned to go. Eight blissful months later, my supervisor found out and told the whole office. Then the girlfriend moved back to town. He never said a word about that. No heads up. No nothing. Now my reputation was shot, he would barely look at me and work was back to miserable. Did I mention that the girlfriend worked for the company too?

Three awkward months later, I left to return to school. But I still held out hope that . . . I don't know. A year later, I read their wedding announcement in the paper. That really broke my heart. I'm not a crier but I cried that day. It is true what they say: What goes around comes around. I got exactly what I deserved. But know what? I got a lot more than a broken heart. People come into our lives for a reason. They will either be a lesson or a blessing. This "process" was both. It taught me -- no, it reminded me that it takes two to tango. This man didn't do this alone and neither did I. (Truth be told, he really was a good man. Maybe he was just lonely like I was). It taught me not to get so lonesome that I settle for less/mess  and abandon my values and all common sense. It taught me my worth; I will never again be the back-up or the alternate. It taught me who I never again want to be. In retrospect, things could have been worse. The fact that they weren't was my blessing.

So when I let the wall down again -- and I will -- I will go into that relationship stronger and more whole. For I have lived and learned and I did it the hard way.